Don’t be so gay!
It’s been far too long since I’ve last posted, so here we go; one blog at a time since I have so much shit on my mind right now.
I would like to discuss the topic of one’s “gayness” and where I fit in the spectrum of “gaydom”. What do we really mean when we say to someone, ” that’s gay!”?
I have to admit that, yes, when I was coming out and had no other cultural identity with which to identify. I was out at the gay bars/clubs, being a man-whore and taking every ounce of attention/affection I could get, be it positive or negative. I did the circuit parties, the drugs, the dance music by the hit divas of the time. This was in my 20s. Even in my last, fucked up, 3 year relationship, I was still wanting to go out and hang out with my gay friends. Yes, I called them my gay friends.
In terms of labels, into which “box” do I fit? Why am I now against all the “gay music” i.e. pop divas and dance remixes? What association do I make between my previous life and various stereotypical elements of being a homosexual?
I now despise being grouped along with other gays. I am not a part of “us” nor do I care to be. I don’t fight for “gay” rights nor do I need for everyone to know that I like men. What does my sexual preference have to do with my work ethic or the way I relate to people? For so long, I clung on to my “gayness” as I had no other identity. I went to the gay barber, the gay gym, lived in the gay ghetto, all because that’s who I thought I was. I’ve come to realize that my sexual preference is just one aspect of me and not WHO I am.
Consequently, I’ve taken a few steps back “into the closet”. I’ve been accused of being a bigot, like the rest of mainstream, heterosexual America, because I choose to not fight alongside the gays. This takes me back to an incident that happened during a trip to Fort Worth, TX. During lunch, I went to Chick-Fil-A and was reprimanded for giving my money to a conservative, Christian organization which disapproves of a homosexual lifestyle. To maintain anonymity, we will call the head of this organization, “Dan”. Dan became upset upon viewing my lunch and began to lecture me on the fact that this company was against “us”. I replied, “Who do you by mean, ‘us’? Fat people?”
The conversation gained momentum with the infusion of “Dan’s” snide, bitchy comments. I was pulled into his office to talk about things. I told “Dan” that I didn’t appreciate being put into a box. I’m not about gay pride parades and the theatre. When asked why I was so against “gays”, I replied ” I just don’t care for gay friends. They bring drama, and get bitchy and talk about you behind your back.” He was appalled that I would put “HIM” into a box, because lord forbid that he be one of these “queens” to which I was condescendingly referring. Truth be known, “Dan”, I know that you were talking about me behind my back to one of your new employees that transferred from Corpus Christie. It is not your place to reveal details about a previous situation in my past relationship. You tell a gay something, and they run and tell someone else. I don’t wish to be a part of your “cause”.
The more I take a back seat to a culture to which I once belonged, the more disgusted I become. I’m sorry, but I’m not a “girl”, and no this song is not “fierce”. When did being gay mean taking on a different role, other than masculine and feminine. I refuse to buy into the whole “pop diva” shit, to which all the gays seem to be flocking. “Oh girl, I got floor seats to Madonna” or ” I love Cher” or “Gaga is my girl”. I’m glad that we’ve all become ok with expressing our sexuality but why the fuck do you have to be so goddamn gay?!?!.
